I just finished listening to Rabbi John Sack’s, the Chief Rabbi of Great Britain (yeah, I know, strange that the Brits have a chief rabbi but that’s for another blog) dvar torah, a commentary or thoughts on the portions of the Torah. This week’s Torah portion talked about how G-d, as an introduction to the 603 laws in addition to the 10 Commandments well-known to most, starts things off by discussing laws regarding slavery. Slavery was a common practice in the ancient world, albeit it took much different shape than what we knew during the European colonial period (another point best left for another blog). That G-d raised it first is not surprising since the Israelites had just left such a fate and the possibility they would themselves use it now that they were free people would not be a unrealistic assumption – we often immolate our oppressors thinking that by doing so we prove that we are the better person. Why G-d didn’t prohibit slavery outright is the mystery the learned Rabbi explored. Sak’s contention, as those of many others, is that G-d knew such prohibition would fall on deaf ears and that instead G-d choose to place huge prohibitions on the practice in hopes that we would later see the error of our ways and “choose the good.” It’s like taxing tobacco products, placing them behind a counter, and forcing people to produce identification to purchase it all the while placing smoking cessation products prominently nearby. In other words, make it easier to choose good and difficult to choose evil – nudge people into good behavior. Don’t control people, make it easy them to choose wisely.
I have a friend with four children. She has taken an authoritarian parental approach with each one and has been even harsher with her last two who are about to graduate from high school. She directs in the most harsh and nagging way possible everything about their lives from what they wear to school to how they talk to their friends. Her philosophy is that her home is a dictatorship and whoever lives there is under her rule. The older two children (only one of whom is out of the home), who are in their mid and early thirties, have grown into angry, hate-filled, unhappy individuals who not only bitch and moan regularly about their childhoods (long after most of us have simply moved on or stopped speaking to the offending parent) but also make consistent attempts at controlling her now that her health and mobility is not what it once was. One controlling event has led to another.
Child rearing includes rules set by adults who are in charge of the household. However, autocratic rule, particularly as children get older, tends to backfire. My friend laments that her children are constantly defying her and act disrespectfully. She also complains that her grandchildren are often barred from her (likely because their parents don’t want their rule overruled). She does not understand why her children act thusly. Others around her do, even those who comment that her two youngest are so polite. My friend fails to hear the slight contempt hidden behind such comments). When you rule so absolutely and without respect for the developmental age nor the abilities of a child, the child resents you. “Rule by the nudge not by the nag” another friend of mine used to say. If you want your kids to eat healthy food, don’t take them to McDonald’s and if you do, have them review the nutritional sign and then ask themselves, “how do you choose bad food when there is good food at home?” Encourage your kids to think about their behavior not obey you simply because you said so and allegedly you know best. Don’t we want our children to choose not to be slaves or to own slaves or do we just want them to obey some bearded man sitting on a cloud who hasn’t burned a bush in 4000 years? Don’t we want our kids to adopt the good and not just follow it like blind mice?
Maybe if my friend did more nudging and less commanding she wouldn’t have to worry each year if anyone was coming over for Passover.
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